Does Hollywood's Weener Hurt From Screwing My Childhood?

Does Hollywood's weener hurt from screwing my childhood? Like a lot of you who read my blog (yes..I realize that's like 6 of you) I am a 80's child which while in fashion it brought us crap in movie and TV it brought us gold. But it seems just when things are looking good Hollywood has to get in there and screw with it. Why can't the great things of my youth just be left alone?

1. The Karate Kid is being remade. WHY??? What the hell was wrong with the first one? I haven't even seen the movie yet and still I can tell it will be crap. Let's start with the title "The Karate Kid," I have only seen the previews and Jackie Chan says "I will teach you real Kung-Fu"..SO WHY ARE WE EVEN CALLING IT THE KARATE KID IF HE IS TEACHING HIM KUNG-FU!!!! Next lets discuss the age of the main character...he is merely a child while Daniel was a high school senior which made it more of a "coming of age" story filled with teenage issues (love, popularity, first car...etc) that made for interesting subplots a lot the way. Mr. Miyagi was from Okinawa Japan, not China...why do we have to mess up his ethnicity? Johnny Lawrence (the blond kid who was the bad guy from the Cobra Kai Dojo) might have been the most awesome teenage bad guy ever of the 80's. Johnny was snotty, rude, Aryan, and had the Billy Idol-esque snear that was great and made you want to hate him, now I have to have hate Chinese school yard bullies...not the same. I don't even know how to cheer "SWEEP THE LEG" in Cantonese.

2. GI-Joe finally hits the big screen and is turned into poop! I'm not sure how in the world GI-Joe managed to be about soldiers in "Super Suits" when that is clearly not what it was about. It was about special forces of the military that dressed a lot like the village people fighting the evil force known as C.O.B.R.A! It had nothing to do with super suits! And NO ONE had bullets in GI-Joe...everything shot lasers that made awesome sounds and never ran out of ammo. Why is Hollywood doing this to me?




3. 'Love Don't Cost a Thing'? I don't know if you were ever sitting down and watching 'Money Can't By Me Love' and thinking this is good but it would be so much better if we had and all black cast and somehow got Nick Cannon involved. BY FAR Patrick Dempsy's best work (sorry all you retards who think Grey's Anatomy is good) as he plays the role of the nerd who rents the hotest/most popular girl in school to make him popular and in the end lessons are learned and love blooms. So in 2003 Hollywood decided it was to good of a thing to leave alone and redid the movie but changed the title because the original title/Beetles hit was too white, got an all black cast, and replaced Dempsy with Cannon (cause cannon pulls off outcast so well). Why don't we recast any movie we didn't feel had enough black people in it. Coming soon Lil Bow Wow can star in a remake of 'Better Off Dead' but we can change the title to 'Betta Off Deceased." I wouldn't Remake 'Boys In The Hood' or 'House Party' with white people....it is prefect the way it is.

4. I'm not 100% but I think they only redid 'The Dukes of Hazzard' in 2005 so we could stare at Jessica Simpson's cleavage for 120min. Another great thing that didn't need to be touched. Johnny Knoxville while I do like him can't act and why is the Stiffler with him? The movie had no plot and worst of all was Burt Reynolds as Boss Hog! WTH happened there? Did we run out of Fat Southern Gentlemen and so we had to cast the Bandit?

The list could go on and on and on. I am not saying all remakes are bad, but if something is not broken lets not fix it! I swear on everything holy if Red Dawn, Goonies, MASK, Small Wonder, or any of this stuff from childhood get raped again I should be allowed to sue. Hollywood has stolen my innocence (and I only thought that happened to waitresses there who were doing porn till the get their big break)!