My Day: A Short Story

It was a beautiful summers day in Vegas when I awoke. I marched downstairs and on to the front porch to greet the day. The air outside was ruffly 112 degrees with nearly no humidity. I felt the warm cement under my feet slowly causing 1st and 2nd degree burns. I stretched my arms up and then across my chest limbering up for whatever this day would bring. I waived to the neighbors and the garbage men as they strolled by the porch with a refreshing look of curiosity on their faces, as if they were trying to talk but nothing would come out. I'm sure they were just waking up as well and seeing me and the smile on my face gave them a sense of intrigue. I then decided I would put some clothes on and set out on my adventure.

I threw on some sunglasses on and hopped in the old Ford Taurus my grandfather had left me. It had University of Wyoming decals on it at one time, but the sun had turned them in a blackened charcoal that was now permanently affixed to the window. I drove to my nearest local convenience store to pick up some breakfast. I feel like you are what you eat. If you want to feel centered and like you are in harmony with your body simply feed it the right things and it will reward you. So since I was on a health kick I settled on an apple and a bag of raw peanuts along with my usual mixture of 2 Red bulls, 3 Rockstars, and a touch of Monster (sugar free of coarse...remember health is key). I should have known the day was going to be good when the woman at the counter said "Wow, you must have a lot of energy?!? do you need a bag for your nuts?" I glanced at her name tag and and said " thanks Janet, but I'm married...thanks for noticing my energy and vigor for life though and don't give up, you'll find that special someone." I walked away from the counter but noticed she had a look of deep reflection and wonderment. Perhaps I helped her understand that we as people need other people and she could find her better half or maybe she just noticed that I had farted while talking to her at the counter. I then enjoyed my breakfast.

When I regained the ability to remember things and had control of my limbs I found that It was now 4pm and I was at a public park swinging in an infant/toddler swing. I enjoyed the feeling of the breeze brushing across my face with each pass in the swing. I remember back to when I was a child and used to swing all the time. I remember pretending to be an airplane pilot and that I could fly in my swing. I noticed a small child in front of me and our eyes met. It's amazing how you can see the wonderment and excitement behind a child's eyes. You can see their love and curiosity for life and all it may have to offer. He smiled at me so I smiled back. I wondered what his life will be like? Am I looking at the future president of the US? A serial Killer? A CEO? A McDonald's Employee of the Month? Life is full of endless possibilities if we will only seize the opportunities in front of us. Suddenly his eyes filled with tears and he began to cry. Sometimes I forget that we as people are so sensitive and that life has a lot of pain and sorrow...especially when we walk right in front of an adult who is swinging and kicks us full force right in the face propelling us through the air like some sort of fleshy Frisbee. I then hopped out of the swing, put my pants and shirt back on and decided to continue on with my day. As I left the child's cries became more and more faint. The police and ambulance sirens however, became louder and louder almost like they were right in the park.

I then went home to eat dinner and call it a night. I had a glass of water with some mac and cheese covered in ketchup. It's amazing how a complex dinner like that can excite the pallet and bring a wave of happiness over the whole body. I headed up the stairs to my bedroom. As I lied in bed I looked over at my adorable sleeping wife. Her smile is so warm it could melt a snow drift, her eyes are so deep it is like you can dive right into them, her long blond hair reminded me rolling fields of wheat as they shimmered in the summer sun. I then remembered my wife doesn't have blond hair. So I left the neighbors house and thought maybe it's time to have more than one house plan when building a community. Why do all these houses look the same to me? Who has time to get caught up in the rat race that is remembering all those digits in a home address? My wife was pleased to see me when I got to my home 3 tries later. My day was finally done. I wonder what tomorrow holds?

Helping men go from undatable to supermen!

I was recently watching a show called 'VH1's Undatable'. The show listed 100 things that men do that made them unappealing to the opposite sex (wearing sports jerseys, naming farts, having man purses). It was hard to watch all these people slamming men for the things they say or do without meaning to make themselves less attractive. At no paint was there a 100 things you can do to make yourself more appealing to women. This is an wrong that I will today try and right today! I have 8 great tips that are easy and practical to make you more than just attractive to women, it will take you to the top of their desire wish list!

1.) Go ahead, smack your women up! If there is one thing women love more than anything else it is DRAMA!!!! If this is not enough it makes it so they are either afraid to leave you or feel like you are a project that they need to "fix". It worked for people like Jason Kidd, Daryl Strawberry, Big Pun, and Ike Turner! everyone knows someone who says "he beats me...but I love him! (which is code for...holy crap this sucks...but I love sympathy attention from other people)

2.) Have a substantial drug or alcohol related problem. Once again women like to think that you are a misunderstood "bad boy" and need all their time or attention. If you can't walk home from the pub, or can't wake up after taking to much Oxycodone someone has to wake you up, or help you walk and they love to do it! Girls are playing doctor/nurses from the time they are small children and love to take care of sick or hurt things. It's in their nature to be the hovering lil nurturer that you deserve! Don't believe me...watch 2 episodes of "Behind the Music"....no it doesn't matter which episodes!

3.) Make sure her parents hate you on a whole new level. For some reason girls feel empowered when they can bring a man home their parents hate. If you follow steps 1 or 2 (why not both) this will be an easy one. Another easy way is to make sure you are not the same color as her parents! Nothing like seeing ol' fashion racism taking place around the dinner table on the first "come meet my parents" outing!

4.) Show up to stuff late if at all. Absence makes the heart grow fonder is sooooo true. Ever loose the TV remote for like 4 days and then find that mother and you are so happy you nearly cry? Same thing.... miss or just don't show up for important events. Good reasons you can give her are things like "I'm hanging out with my friends, I'll get there when I feel like it! Damn!" that one seems to work for a lot of guys! Trust me , she won't be hurt, she'll only be drawn closer to you when you do show up.

5.) Dress like you are on the cast of "Jersey Shore." Nothing says I am a major douche than whiskered jeans in peculiar colors and t-shirts that look like QVC has a Quacker Factory show for men. Women love a-holes that where Ed Hardy! Nothing like a bedazzled picture of a tiger licking a dragon! Why do woman eat this stuff up? Because it means you are a douche bag (sometimes confused with bad boy!....plus it makes it easy for the rest of the competition to stay away from you cause when you see Ed Hardy you can know the guy is an ass clown from a mile away! and girls like a loner!). Also too much hair gel, too much cologne, and a orange-ish spray tan are great!

6.) Have a ton of money! Cody...no self respecting woman would let a ton of cash sway them away from love and into a bad relationship! True, but how many women do you know that have self respect? like 7? could they be more insecure? Examples of this are everywhere! Take a trip to the Las Vegas Strip and I'll guarantee you can't count the number of sugar daddies you'll see. I've heard that scientists are concluding the material cash is made out of attracts women on a subconscious level like cats to catnip!

7. Have Multiple children with multiple women. I learned this first hand at my job at the call center I worked at. There were only 2 other guys who worked there and all you ever heard was women talking about their men and those men's multiple babies mamas who are harassing their men for things like child support..and time with the kids! It was even funnier that women who didn't have "baby daddies"were super jealous! "I wish I had some turd burger of a man that slept around like he was on a mission to repopulate the earth!!! GRRR"

8. Act gay. The only thing I know of that women like more that drama from men is drama from other women. Nothing like being able to gossip, talk about men, shop, and drink fuzzy navels with a guy who feels the same way as they do. Feel free to be one of the girls to lure them into your clutches! Blood Hound Gang had it right "chicks dig guys that are queer, guys that don't dig chicks, that don't dig guys like me...I wish I was queer so i could get chicks."

So I hope that helps some of you undatable guys out their meet your soul mate. wait...my wife is interupting me! "Rhea! Can't you see that I'm high right now! I'm going to my babies mama's house if you don't knock it off! Meet me at the salon to get our hair and nails done...and I'll show up when I feel like it!"...women...gee wiz. Good luck gentlemen.

Am I racist or are you stupid?

Am I a racist or are some people just retarded?

I was watching the news the other night and I saw that a teacher (whom I'm assuming is white) was upset at a girl (who is black) for not knowing who Martin Luther King Jr. is. The mom was on TV saying " Why is she supposed to know who MLK is just because she is black?" Um....BECAUSE!!!!!

1.) How the heck does anyone currently alive and living in the US not know who MLK is? The man was THE LARGEST force in the battle for equal rights for blacks and other minorities and was on of the most influential people of all time!

2.) I remember when I was in Jr. High and we had to endure all the "Black History Months" (not that I don't think black history is important...but if it is significant..why not just call it history? why go out of our way to segregate it?) and he came up time and time again, how could this girl have avoided him for so long? Two things you could count on during black history month at the schools I went to were black poetry, and a lot of things about MLK.

3.) Every town has a MLK street in it (almost always in a bad part of that town/city ironically) and you think kids would be curious as to who that is? Just so happens that in this city (Vegas) it is a major street.

4.) Hate to say it....YES, BECAUSE YOU ARE BLACK I WOULD HOPE IT MEANS SOMETHING MORE TO YOU! I would sincerely hope that people like MLK, W.E.B. Dubois, Jackie Robinson, and Jack Johnson (boxer/inventor not the musician) mean something more to black people. I would hope that if a man fought so hard that it cost him his life to try to give you're family a better shake at life in this country you would be grateful and hold a special place for him. I'm not black (pics may have given that away) and I have great respect for what MLK did and stood for. He had a respect, and a honest love for people that no one has been able to replicate.

5.) Is the kid's mother straight up retarded? If I was another black person and I saw a black mother say "Why does my kid need to know who MLK is just cause she's black?" I would sh&% a brick and want to slap her! How little have you taught your child about the world and the important people in it if she doesn't know who MLK is? YOU SHOULD BE EMBARRASSED! I would hope after being interviewed by the local news she contacted her local physician to get her head removed from her rear and tell her child the important yet dark chapter in this countries history of oppression of minorities.

Does this make me a racist? I'm not sure? I do know for sure that my children will never be able to utter something so stupid because I'll be sure to educate them about something so significant.

Health Care Reform Can't Be Any Worse Than What We Have Now!

So today the girls insisted that we play Dr. So I show up to the Office 10 min early and the front desk girl (Lily) is super rude and asks for all my info and cards and stuff. I then proceed to wait in excess of 40 minutes for my appointment! I clearly saw 2 teddy bears, 1 power ranger, and a Dora show up way after I did and still get seen first. So I complain to the Front Desk girl and she says " sorry, you'll have to wait like everyone else!" I explained that I had been waiting for nearly an hour when she tells me "Sorry sir, it's not my Problem!"

So Finally I get called back by nurse Brendan who takes my height, weight and temperature. Not sure where the hell he went to nursing school at but my height was 1234, my weight was yellow, and my temperature was wiggles! So he puts me in the room where I have to wait another 30 min for Dr. Kendal to show up and then when she does she doesn't apologize for the wait and explains she can only spare 5 minutes! So I start to explain that I think I might have a cold when she leaves the room because her pager went off! She leaves for 20 min and comes back again with no apology! So I start to explain again when she interrupts me and tells me I have a broken arm! I said "are you Sure!" she says "yes! I am the Dr." So she gives me a referral and tells me she sent a script to my pharmacy.

So I go to see the Radiologist Dr. Brendan....who looks suspiciously like Dr. Kendal's Nurse! He Proceeds to have me lay down to take the x-ray and then says.."Lets dance!" I said " No, I just wan the x-ray of my arm" he said "belbow?" I said .."I guess..elbow might be it?" then hes says "okay, all done! Cheese!" I didn't see him push a button or anything....once again...not sure about this guys qualifications!

So then I am off to the pharmacy! I swear the pharmacist is the same snotty front desk girl from Dr. Kendal's office and her assistant Dexter. The girl tells me that they haven't got my script. So I have to call Dr. Kendal's office over 5 times to get it straightened out. Finally the pharmacy gets my script and I am told that this medication is not covered and doesn't have a generic. So after charging me $923,493 I got my meds. I open the paper bag and in it is a sandwich size ziplock bag filled with Capn' Crunch cereal! What the heck..am i buying weed from a teenager or is this the 'Super Monkey Happy Pharmacy' the front desk told me it is? Ziplocks? If that is not enough I see lil red and blue specs in there but no crunch berries! Then I see Pharmacist Lily and her assistant Dexter both have red and blue smiles! I think they ate my super expensive meds! So I ask how many of these should I take and when... she said " eat them all! eat them or go to time out!" So I ate them all at once, hope I don't OD....not sure how safe this is!

This is the last time I use Happy Unicorn Fairy Insurance! well...until my Orthopedic appt next weak with a Dr. Brendan!

Yes bartender..I'll take a marriage ...on the rocks!

It's odd, i always hear stories about people who have to "work" so hard at their marraige. I also remember hearing when I got married "The first year is the hardest!" I guess I have been fortunate in my life to be married to my best friend and the only person who knows how to deal with my retarded self. Life is already so flipping hard that I can't imagine a marriage could make it harder? I mean I view Rhea as the person I am lucky enough to be stuck in a foxhole with in our war against the the poopy ol' world. I know that she has my back and I would hope she knows that I have hers.

I remember was I was a teenager and I "fell in love with a girl." Remember when you were a teen and you thought you knew what love was? You thought it was needing to be touching that person at all times? you thought it was sharing important views such as whatever, totally, like you know, and more whatever? If that person left you, you just lost it? Life was over? Then you grow up, you date around, you realize that there is more to another person than just looks and that personality and ideologies are just as important? You realize that just because there is a mile of difference between your first love/puppy love and what love really is?

I would say love is more that an attraction, more that common interests, and more than a chemical reaction, it's more than just agreeing that RoboCop could totally kill the Terminator. It is 2 people going for a common goal of eternal happiness that constantly puts the other person in front of themselves (unless we are talking about a hostage/human shield scenario in which case putting yourself in front of them is putting them in front of you....That makes sense right?)

Can people really fall out of love? Or can they just no longer find ways of putting that person ahead of their own needs? Is it simply a matter of selfishness?

Lately the wife and I have been at each others throat because of the stress of her co-workers not showing up to work to help her out. And I have to watch 5 kids, work at F&E, go to school, and some how get sleep. Today we had another fight and I wonder if maybe it takes time to put others needs ahead of our own and we are just lacking time? Is our marraige on the ropes? I think not, but I have never been in a situation like this before. Something has got to give somewhere...but where?

Come and Join me for Las Vegas's first Straight Pride Parade!

All to often I have gone to parades and have never actually been a part of one. I'm not Gay so I can't be part of Gay pride, Don't Drink which knocks off St. Patrick's Day Parades, and am to far away from NYC to do the Thanksgiving Day Parades. So what part of my life can I embrace? Where can I make a social statement and at the same time ride in a convertible and throw candy at children? This years first ever Las Vegas Straight Pride Parade!

That's right I am going to embrace my heterosexuality to the fullest in an awesome display of color and music. There will be men and women holding hands and kissing occasionally to ensure that is makes gay patrons aware that straight people ARE REAL and won't be silenced anymore. We will have chants like " We're here, we're not queer...in fact we are attracted to people of the opposite sex in which we can have relations with which can result in offspring which will keep the human race keep going...get used to it!" ( A little wordy but I am working on it.) There will be floats of famous hetero couples (Adam/Eve, Romeo/Juliet, Tiger Woods/his wife and hos). We will have t-shirts like "I'm Not Gay, and That's okay." We will adopt a new logo just like the gay pride people did with the rainbow. We will simply have water droplets and sunlight as our logo showing that the rainbow folks wouldn't be here if it wasn't for us (you're welcome).

I personally would take great pride in getting to be in this parade! I remember when I was 15 and my parents first caught me making out with a girl! I said " well, you might as well know...I'm straight! that is just who I am....you don't have to agree with me, but please just accept me!" Luckily my parents while needing some time to adjust got used to the idea of me liking boobies. My dad threw away his dreams of me being on Broadway, and my mom stopped telling me about the buff Johnson boy who lived up the street. It wasn't an easy path to get where I am today. I remember the constant criticism I got about being "normal" and acting "as God intended"...harsh words that cut me to my core. But through all that I persevered and am now proud to say I like me some ladies!!!

I would walk in the parade with my head held high, holding hands with my wife (life partner), and showing the world that I am not afraid to be me anymore. And unlike the Gay pride parade which sometimes looses focus thus setting them back 40 years (assless chaps, madonna music in background, float that throws out condoms) I would be on task! Gay people would see me in the parade and say " Holy crap, that is one straight man! He isn't looking at man toosh at all, he probably isn't even thinking about sweet man on man loving! YOU GO STRAIGHT MAN!!!!" Oh and I would go, knowing that my people finally have more of a voice, and that I had the courage to be that voice!

So I to all my straight friends out there, don't be afraid anymore! Come out of the closets you've trapped yourselves in and embrace who you are! Let the world know that you like the opposite sex and it is a beautiful and natural thing! Throw away you're Gay porn you've had lying around to avoid suspicion! Stop wearing skinny jeans! Order more than just a salad! You don't have to cut hair! Feel free to enjoy sports! I love you guys! Be Strong! See you at the parade...may need some time to set this up.

Sexual Harasment isn't funny....sept most of the time.

Another fun day of work at Fresh And Easy tonight. It was a long day when I had to wake up early to go to my daughter's soccer game. From there I helped a friend move into his new house. Then to Fresh and Easy where I got to tackle a kid trying to make a beer run, and then slave away for a few hours.
During that time there is one thing that we all can't stop blabbin about at work...Brandon. Brandon is a new employee who suffers from enlarged balls. In fact Brandon's balls are ruffly three times the size of his brain. He has managed to make nearly everyone at our work uncomfortable..especially the ladies. Brandon refers to one black girl we work with as "The Head Nigger In Charge", has told girls if he didn't have a girlfriend he would totally hook up with them (even though they are either married or 12+ years younger than him), and my personal fave is that he recently tried to convince my friend that her boyfriend is gay so can have a shot.
I know you are thinking...wow, that is a little much, why would we put up with that? BECAUSE IT IS HILARIOUS! I love seeing him make a disgrace of himself and get away with it..it's funny to me! Another bright spot in this is that his ol' lady is hella jealous and comes in just to check on him, and flipped out when she found out another woman gave him Advil!!!! you can not pay for this kind of entertainment.
Brandon has inspired me to do my own sexual harassing. Now I am being extra flirtatious by carding every woman who buys alcohol even if they are clearly 80. I wink at anyone who buys anything shaped like a wiener (hot dog, kielbasa, carrots, cucumbers, popsicles.....etc). I Laugh every time Brain Adam's Summer of 69 comes on the Muzac and work. I even have started saying things like "Tater tots are in Isle 8....work it girl...daddy likey." Funny or what!!!!
So when I get out of hear in 9 months (with good behavior) I'm hoping the world has matured enough to get my sense of humor. Jail sucks, and this guy won't stop sexually harassing me in here even though I told him it's not the same and is not funny.


ps..... Shake that ass.

How does Sheen Keep Getting Work?

Have you ever heard someone say "I don't beleive in God! How could a just creator allow bad things to happen to good people?" This is a common sentiment for many people who feel that life is supposed to be perfect. To be honest, that question doesn't trouble me so much. I am under the understanding that this life is to test us and for us to be brave in the face of opposition. In fact the question that bugs me is the opposite one. HOW THE HELL DO GOOD THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO BAD PEOPLE???? Wait...Cody, how can that be? um...Charlie Sheen

In 1990 Charlie Sheen "accidentally" SHOT HIS FIANCE Kelly Preston in the arm from close range and they split up. Then in 1995 he was brave enough to give love another shot and marry Donna Pelle....During that time though he managed to run that relationship in the ground by admittedly frequenting brothels! Then to help manage his sex addiction he starts dating Ginger Lynn and Heather Hunter...yes...they are both porn stars. Now I know what you are thinking...we have the sex and guns...where are the drugs? He managed to OD trying to shoot up cocaine in 1998! Then Finally he married Denise Richards (yes he made the transition from people staring in hardcore porn to softcore porn) and had 2 children. He then managed to threaten Denise with physical violence and verbal abuse and admitted he spends thousands a year on prostitutes. Thus that marriage ended. Now he is Married and has 2 more kids with now wife Brooke Mueller. He then spent last Christmas in a jail cell in Aspen Colorado for 2nd degree assault on Brooke! After being charged he was back off to Rehab (his press said as a "preventative measure" which I guess means after everything else now?)

So under the "God decides what is just" theory we have in place poor Charlie should be in a world of hurt right? I mean by all means he should be beaten every morning and have his testicles electrocuted every night? Nope, Sheen has now been in over 60 movies and has starred in 2 sitcoms! He Still remains married and continues to attract women despite the fact he has been with tons of hookers/porn stars, uses drugs, and shoots and or beats his ladies down.

So what is the next act....I think Michael Douglas can help us with that. See any similarities?


That's right! CHARLIE SHEEN IS FALLING DOWN! Look at all he has in common with William Foster (Michael Douglas) from the motion picture 'Falling Down'

1. Is divorced (twice).
2. Has Children with divorced wife and he doesn't have custody over them.
3. Not afraid to brandish a gun!
4. Breaks the law over and over and over again!
5. Obviously is oblivious to the fact he is breaking the law.
6. Both are easily pushed "over the edge"
7. NOW THEY EVEN LOOK ALIKE!!!!!

So this will play out by Sheen going back after Denise Richards and telling her " We are not really Divorced! I'm coming home TO SEE MY DAUGHTER ON HER BIRTHDAY!" Of Coarse instead of being blasted by a soon-to-be retired police officer on a ocean pier he will undoubtedly be slapped on the wrist by a judge who liked 'Hot Shots Part Deux', win a golden globe, 2 Emmies, and will return to '2 and 1/2 Men' where he currently collects $800,000 per episode.

So next time you think "how can God let bad things happen to good people," remember a douche like Charlie Sheen and you'll see it can work both ways. We create out own destinies and God loves us so much he has given us the free will to do so (even if we use it on hookers and blow).

Tolerance, Even You Can Do It!!!

Today I thought would be a good time to talk about tolerance. I don't think it is necessary for all of us to accept one another, I do think that we should be able to at least tolerate one another. It seems like all to often we can't understand what other people are going through so we judge them so harshly without thinking.

For example let's say that you are at ANY random intersection/gas station/Wal*Mart parking lot in the Vegas Valley and you heard and felt someone listening to Rap music at such a volume that it caused your head to hurt, your car to shake and woke up the children you finally got to sleep. Now at first your probably thinking "what a dirty old fart hole! what kind of jerk finds it necessary to do this crap! Now I have to get kids #1 and #2 back to sleep and I have to listen to this crap for another 4 min until I'm done filling up! Does this song say MF-er 4 times in one sentence?...can you do that?" Now lets dissect this situation and see how foolish you feel. First lets discuss why the type/loud music. Is it possible that he is hard of hearing and mearly has it turned up so he can hear it? Maybe it's hard to hear through 2 due rags, 3 bandannas, and one fitted hat 2 sizes to large? Perhaps the more plausible reason is that he feels that he can bring joy to others be letting them listen to the great talent/magic he has found on this compact disc? I'll tell you now, I have learned several life lessons from this simple everyday interaction. The other day at local Chevron I learned that:

1. Shorties all be jockin' me fo cash!
2. The rapper singing is the best ever and all others are just jealous.
3. White people (cops in particular) are hatin' B#$#$%es who want no part of my S(#$*.
4. If you disrespect me I'll shank yo ass and steal yo girl!

All of these I consider to be life lessons that are great and are possibly worth waking our children up for! My 1 year old would rue missing such insight into the world he is growing up in by a true poet of the streets. So I for one am glad his windows are down so i can take part! Some of these guys are real troopers and even volunteer to do this in wind/dust storms, cold weather, rain, and many other conditions most of us would have our windows up for and have our heat possibly on!

Next time this situation happens to you, take the time to say thanks! wave hello! and say "My children and I thank you for the beautiful music and the way you've touched our hearts!"

So as you can see tolerance is an easy lesson. Just try to put yourself in the other persons shoes and it becomes much easier. By the way if any of you are from Utah I will post this again in a font that uses crayons so you can read it, or if you have family in from out of state maybe they can read it to you! retards!